Laidback Weekend
Mar. 2nd, 2025 12:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
numinousdreadIntermittently thrumming with anxiety but managed to have a good weekend despite that.
Invited some friends to a group discussion on Discord and it went well.
We've gotten the kind of low-to-mid sixties day, and the scattered and billowy clouds, that often follow rain. Have walked for an hour and a half each day and felt joy about daffodils and orange-red crocuses and the delicate apple blossoms, how they look in this light, and also the colors of flowerpots and doors. I love wandering around with no agenda on days like these. I feel connected to all the versions of myself who've jaunted around in spring, and tbh some of the happier hours of my life have probably passed this way.
Feeling existentially unsettled about ethics and how we're all just groping around. Not shame or guilt but screaming wrongness and uncertainty (I associate this feeling with OCD). Fear of being found out, maybe. It's so strange to me how the joy I take in being in the world exists alongside the horror I feel about ethics.
Two years ago (almost exactly) the person I was dating, who told me that they loved me and I was their favorite person, dropped a letter in my mailbox in which they broke up with me and clarified over Discord they never wanted to talk to me again. I spent an entire night crying; my friend Jasper brought me homemade hamantashen. I remember thinking, I wonder if my ex is celebrating Purim. (By pure coincidence, both Jasper and my ex are Jewish. I am not. But my girlfriend is converting and keeps brainstorming twists on hamantashen in my DMs today.)
Today the barista gave me a free chocolate croissant.
Invited some friends to a group discussion on Discord and it went well.
We've gotten the kind of low-to-mid sixties day, and the scattered and billowy clouds, that often follow rain. Have walked for an hour and a half each day and felt joy about daffodils and orange-red crocuses and the delicate apple blossoms, how they look in this light, and also the colors of flowerpots and doors. I love wandering around with no agenda on days like these. I feel connected to all the versions of myself who've jaunted around in spring, and tbh some of the happier hours of my life have probably passed this way.
Feeling existentially unsettled about ethics and how we're all just groping around. Not shame or guilt but screaming wrongness and uncertainty (I associate this feeling with OCD). Fear of being found out, maybe. It's so strange to me how the joy I take in being in the world exists alongside the horror I feel about ethics.
Two years ago (almost exactly) the person I was dating, who told me that they loved me and I was their favorite person, dropped a letter in my mailbox in which they broke up with me and clarified over Discord they never wanted to talk to me again. I spent an entire night crying; my friend Jasper brought me homemade hamantashen. I remember thinking, I wonder if my ex is celebrating Purim. (By pure coincidence, both Jasper and my ex are Jewish. I am not. But my girlfriend is converting and keeps brainstorming twists on hamantashen in my DMs today.)
Today the barista gave me a free chocolate croissant.
